Empathy is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot, especially in relationships, but what does it even mean and why does it sometimes seem so hard? I often hear from my clients navigating betrayal, “why can’t my partner show empathy for the pain they have caused me?” Or my clients in recovery from sex addiction will wonder, “why do I get so triggered when my partner is obviously hurting and needs me?” This is such an important piece of the healing and recovery process that I decided to write this article. By the time you are done reading, my hope is that it will help shed some light on empathy, what it is, why it sometimes seems elusive when trying to repair after betrayal and infidelity, and offer hope for a path forward.
There are two types of empathy to understand, cognitive and affective. Cognitive empathy is the ability to see things from another person’s perspective. It is more of an intellectual experience and can help in relational repair but misses the mark for deeper connection. Why? Because it lacks the emotional experience of feeling what another person is feeling which is called affective empathy. This is where things can get pretty stuck in the repair process. I will be working with a client who has done a lot of recovery work, they have sustained control over their unwanted sexual behaviors, they are humble and committed to their recovery. They are fighting like hell to save their relationship and completely understand what they’ve done and how it has affected their partner. But, all of that falls apart when their partner comes to them emotionally activated, in a lot of pain, mistrusting and feeling hopeless. My client just can’t seem to sit with that in the way their partner needs. They might stay present, but their partner feels like they are disconnected. They offer apologies, but they are perceived as lacking in some way. So what exactly is it that their partner needs? Affective empathy. Their partner needs to know that they get it on a deep emotional level. They need them to feel what they are feeling, while staying present and connected.
To understand what is happening at a basic neurobiological level with affective empathy, I will share a simplified overview of mirror neurons in the brain. Mirror neurons fire when you execute an action and when you observe that same action in another person. The easiest way to conceptualize this is being in a grocery store going about your business, you look up and see a stranger smile at you, your mirror neurons fire and without a single thought you automatically smile back. Mirror neurons are what provide the neurobiological basis of affective empathy and are an important part of social learning and childhood emotional development. (Side note: the mirror neuron system is pretty fascinating and a worthy rabbit hole!)
With affective empathy comes a nervous system response and physiological activation. Using the example of smiling with a stranger above, your instinctual smile may be followed by a feeling of calm in the body. This is particularly important when feeling deeper, heavier emotional states. For example, if I am sitting with a friend who has just lost a loved one, affective empathy will have me experiencing a certain degree of grief alongside my friend. The physiological activation may include a feeling of heaviness in my stomach or tightness in my chest. I might even cry with my friend, feeling their grief and sadness with them. This level of empathy is one of the deeper levels of human connection and my friend will likely experience a profound sense of being seen and known in that moment. This is also the foundation of emotional intimacy and vulnerability.
But what if I got really uncomfortable the minute I felt that tightness in my chest and I didn’t have the capacity or emotional regulation to feel that? One of two likely scenarios would follow. One scenario is that I would move away from the discomfort. This might look like getting distracted, checking out, changing the subject, using humor, or offering platitudes to also move my friend away from their grief, ie “at least they aren’t in pain anymore, they are in a better place now.” The possibilities here are endless and you can probably relate to being on the receiving end of this. Another scenario is that I might feel so intensely with my friend that I become flooded with emotion, begin sobbing and now my friend is left to comfort me. Neither scenario feels good and usually leaves the grieving person feeling unseen and alone in their pain. That is not empathy.
How Childhood Neglect and Trauma Impact Empathy
To understand why some people struggle with empathy it helps to have a basic understanding of childhood trauma or developmental trauma. Pia Mellody, a pioneer in the field of trauma and addiction recovery, said that “anything less than nurturing” can result in childhood trauma. I love this definition because I work with so many clients who will tell me some version of, “I had a normal childhood, my parents loved me, I don’t have any childhood trauma so I don’t think we are going to find any answers talking about my childhood.” Usually when we explore their childhood more we find a home that was less than nurturing whether the primary caregiver(s) were overworked, absent, spread thin, dealing with chronic physical or mental illness, struggling with hidden addictions. Or there may have been financial challenges, food insecurity, job loss, debt, and the list goes on. There are a lot of ways incredibly loving and well intended parents and caregivers may be unable to meet the physical and/or emotional needs of a child. This isn’t an attempt to make good parents look bad, but rather to acknowledge the reality that raising a human and meeting all their developmental needs is no small feat.
To illustrate how a loving home can be less than nurturing and how that results in “trauma”, I will use a familiar example I see here in Utah. Dad is a successful businessman, works long hours, and is also called to various leadership roles in his church. He is a caring, dedicated husband and father. He is also gone a lot. Mom, often described as “a saint,” is loving and devoted to her family. She chooses to stay at home and raise their five children. She is actively involved in parent organizations at the kids’ schools and spends a lot of her limited free time shuttling kids around to extracurricular activities. This is the mom other moms look up to because she seems to be able to do it all. It isn’t a stretch to say these parents are spread thin. Eventually, the emotional and physical resources of attunement, attention, guidance, predictability, and so on become more scarce. It is absolutely imperative for a child’s emotional development to have a consistent, present, attuned adult, coregulating with them through the complex human emotional landscape; where their mirror neurons can fire together, and appropriate responses to difficult emotions are taught with love, patience, compassion, and presence. (Gentle reminder here, these two things can be true at once: parents can be loving and do the absolute best that they can, AND children can still experience harm and neglect). Ultimately, one or more of the children in the household above has to navigate critical developmental experiences on their own. It is one of those children that grows up to be the adult client in my office. This is the client who has learned to internalize emotions, has difficulty expressing themselves, they often struggle with emotional intimacy, they may engage in addictive behaviors, when relational conflict arises they blow up or shut down. Their emotional dysregulation results in disconnection and avoidance or an anxious and excessive dependency on others (insecure attachment styles). Ultimately, at the core of this type of trauma is a decreased capacity to sit with, name, express, and cope with difficult emotional experiences.
Developmental Trauma and the Breakdown of Empathy In Betrayal Trauma Recovery
What we know about relationship repair in the aftermath of betrayal is that it, in part, hinges on the betraying partner being able to adequately show empathy. Sexual betrayal is intensely destabilizing for a lot of partners. So much so, that many partners endorse symptoms similar to PTSD after learning of the betrayal. Their sense of safety and security gets ripped out from under them. Their concept of themselves, their partner, their world is shattered. The past, present, and future all get called into question with no solid sense of what was true, what is true, and what will be true. Understandably, if there is any hope for the relationship to heal, they need to know that their partner “gets it.” They want their partner to sit with them in their pain, validate it, and feel it with them. Unfortunately it doesn’t always go that way. Instead of empathy, betrayed partners are met with temporary remorse, followed by well intended, but incomplete efforts at commitment and change, then frustration, defensiveness, disconnection, hopelessness, then repeat. But not because the betraying partner isn’t capable of empathy (a big concern I commonly hear) or because they aren’t trying. They are often equally disturbed and frustrated by their own response to their partner’s pain. Sadly, this is where a lot of couples get stuck. This process will cycle over and over until either the relationship ends OR the betraying partner develops the emotional regulation necessary to adequately demonstrate empathy.
So why is there such a huge struggle with empathy in these relationships? More often than not, I can point to some degree of developmental trauma in the betraying partner. It is that same trauma that has led them to use sexual behaviors as their primary coping strategy in the first place. This type of trauma can impact someone in a myriad of ways that I want to reiterate because it is the crux of this work. Clients who have experienced developmental trauma may struggle with emotional dysregulation, have difficulty in close relationships, experience a diminished view of their self worth, have feelings of intense shame, and an altered ability to perceive threats from others, and more. When a betrayed partner is expressing deep feelings of loss and hopelessness because of the betrayal, the betraying partner needs to be able to sit with that pain, regulate their own emotional response, resist the urge to shut down or lash out, all the while knowing that they caused it and not allow themselves to go into shame. This is a big ask. Earlier I pointed out that at the core of this type of trauma is a decreased capacity to sit with, name, express, and cope with difficult emotional experiences. Empathy requires exactly that: to sit with, name, express, and cope with difficult emotional experiences of another person, as if you were experiencing it yourself. Quite often, betraying partners never developed the tools to be able to do that. This is one of many reasons why it is strongly recommended that if you are dealing with sex addiction and problematic sexual behaviors, that you get a skilled trauma therapist certified in treating sex addiction. Recovery from sex addiction isn’t just about getting the behaviors under control. It is actually more about healing the deeper, hidden wounds of developmental trauma and how those wounds intersect with the unwanted sexual behavior and relational repair. In some ways, it is a relearning of everything emotional you weren’t adequately taught as a child. As such, this can be a long process because the patterns of behavior you developed, and how your childhood brain learned to cope are engrained and have been with you for a really long time.
As a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) and a certified partner trauma therapist (CPTT), I work with clients on both sides of sex addiction and betrayal. With the right kind of therapy, you can absolutely recover from these issues and find healing in your relationships. Located in the Salt Lake City, Utah area, I see clients in person or offer telehealth to anyone residing in Utah. To learn more about me and my approach click here. To start your healing journey now and connect with me directly, click the button below.
A few important disclaimers: I know this is a very simplified take. Putting this information out there in this way makes me a little uneasy because the reality is that it is all so complex and nuanced. My hope is that this article offers helpful (and hopeful) insights as a starting point for understanding what is happening when empathy breaks down in recovery after sexual betrayal. Additionally, this is not intended to provide medical, therapeutic, or professional advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider or licensed therapist for guidance on any personal health or mental health issues.
About the author: Hayley Leishman, LCSW, TRS, CSAT, CPTT, CMAT is a trauma and addiction specialist based in Holladay, Utah. She has the specialized training and experience to help you or your loved one find lasting recovery from addiction.
